Loneliness

This page is for people who experience loneliness or would like to know more about loneliness. Everybody feels lonely from time-to-time; it is a normal and common response to many situations, even when in contact or in the company of other people. Sometimes, people can feel lonely when they're in an established long-term relationship. At certain times, a sense of loneliness can be beneficial, however all too often people can feel an overwhelming sense of pain or distress when alone.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness can by understood by looking at connectedness and the process of separation that begins at birth. Therefore, loneliness can be considered as a sense of not feeling or being connected to another or others. People that feel lonely often have a sense that they are not connected to themselves. Feeling alone can be seen as healthy response, choosing to be alone for a period of solitude can be enriching and liberating as there is no sense if being tied to another.

The feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming with an unbearable sense of separateness at a very deep level. These feelings can manifest further into a sense of abandonment, rejection, depression, insecurity and anxiety. When prolonged, such feelings can become debilitating and serve preventing the development of healthy relationships and lifestyles.

Loneliness can be:

• Situational – provoked by a change in circumstances, such as moving to a new environment
• Developmental – our need for intimacy balanced with our need for aloneness is a process that develops throughout the life stages
• Internal – unrelated to external situation or age-and-stage, often including feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability, probably stemming from early years

Symptoms of loneliness

Experiencing bouts of loneliness is common and may include

• Believing that ‘everyone else’ has friends
• Feeling embarrassed and self-conscious
• Being in a crowd but not feeling part of the crowd
• Feeling shy and scared
• Experiencing low self-esteem and lacking confidence
• Feeling angry, defensive and critical
• Feeling socially inadequate and de-skilled
• Being convinced there is something wrong with you
• Feeling disconnected and alienated from your surroundings and others
• Feeling frightened and sad that no-one knows how miserable and isolated you feel
• Losing your capacity to be assertive
• Feeling reluctant to attempt to change
• Feeling depressed, contemplating suicide

Help with loneliness

Counselling and psychotherapy

Counselling and psychotherapy can offer you a space to talk on a one to one basis, that can help you understand and accept yourself better. Counselling can offer you a chance to make small changes that can help shift patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Counselling can offer you an opportunity to change old beliefs about yourself, others and the world and also boost confidence and self-esteem.

By using Cognitive-behavioural techniques learned in therapy can help provide strategies for combating social anxieties and change the negative thought patterns that undermine self-confidence.

Recommendations

If you would like to explore more about self-help and counselling before contacting us, then two books we recommend are:

Self-help

You may be able to improve the symptoms of anxiety by using relaxation techniques, exercise or by talking to other people.

The feelings associated with loneliness feed on themselves – the more lonely you feel, the harder it is to take steps to break out of loneliness. However, feeling lonely is a phase and not does not have to be a constant way of being. As with changing any patterns of behaviour, it may take effort and commitment to begin to move out of feeling lonely.

To begin to break the cycle of loneliness, it may be helpful to consider:

• What is the cause of your loneliness?
• How do you cope with the feelings associated with loneliness? (hide away, drink alcohol, sleep, become manic?)
• Distinguish times when you feel relaxed in your own company and when you feel unpleasantly lonely
• Determine whether your preferred style of relating is on a one-to-one basis or in a group
• Take some risks – speak to people, smile a lot, make an effort, get involved, do something new
• Seize opportunities, even if you don’t feel like it!

Further information

Samaritans

08457 90 90 90
www.www.samaritans.org

Mental Health Foundation

0207 8031101
www.mentalhealth.org.uk